Things I learnt from being a teenager part 2

Its never a good idea to hide from someone behind a bush .. no matter how hard you try, you will always stick out

Don’t mosh in loose tshirts

Never trim your own eyebrows because despite popular belief bandaid eyebrows are not cool

Before I get in trouble

I thought I had better blog before I get in troubles from El Crumbo.

So this is me today .. sporting a proud shit eating grin

Actually … what is with the term shit eating grin, because … well .. If I was forced to eat poo I certainly would not be grinning about it .. infact I would be rather miserable about it screaming profanity and flinging that stuff as far away from my mouth as possible.

See me fling poo.  I learnt from the monkeys.

Back to the point … the reason for my grin?  Well that’s because I have booked my ticket to Oostland.  In 262 days I will be oosting it up.

Before the wonderful Oostland trip I will be embarking on the India trip. (EEEK!)  I am looking forward to the time not at work part, and the going to another country part .. but the eeeek comes out of my mouth for the following reasons:

• Neck Lickers – ok so maybe I just met the one dud dude in a bad pub that licked my neck, but I am scared man .. that lick was BAD
• Hotness – it is HOT all year around in India, and I very not so smartly booked to go in the first week of their Summer… if their winter is hot imagine how bad their summer will be!
• Smelly - I really dont do well with bad smells, and well, I think there could be many an occasion where there are bad smells in India and I will be gaging
• Hotness - Im gonna be all sweaty and smelly

Ok, so there is some good, like seeing the Taj and going to a bollywood movie and eating some yummy foods (I hope ... do I mention now that I dont like curry?)

For El Crumbo

There once was a girl named Jo

Who hated wearing a Bow

She loved to do Wiikart Tricks

Until her shoulder got Sick

Now she'll have to drive real slow

Pants

See these pants ...

These are no ordinary pants.  They are in fact cranky pants. 
And I am the proud owner of them today.

Why you might ask?  why am I cranky?

Well ... its because there are so many idiot nuffys in the world, and I am cranky because I cannot do this with them:

Grab an Idiot

Dump them in a Jar of Idiots

Clost the Jar - No Breathing Holes Allowed

THEN SHAKE!!

Seriously, 1 - it would make you feel so much better, and 2 - help rid the world of the nuffy moron idiots contaminating our air space.

Things I learnt from being a teenager - Part 1

Never drink cougar straight from the bottle unless you want to paint your shoes in vomit

Climbing out of a window is easy .. climbing back in poses many problems .. especially if one must be quiet as to not wake the parentals

Boys smell.  Enough said.

Hickies are not cool.  You look like a moron.

TBC

Drunken escapades episode 1

I had just turned 18, what else was there to do other than go out and drink copius amounts of alcohol just because I could. 
Really ... the  only difference from being 18 compared to 17 was that neither I nor my friends had to make out with the bouncer on the door to be able to get into the club.
Back in 1997 the club of choice was the chevy on a thursday night, the reason? $1dollar vodka drinks.
But just because you could get chea drinks didnt mean we got silly with it ...

Our rule was, what you could carry you could drink

One night after spending close to my budget of $15 dollars on drinks I felt the urge to break the seal.  I always tried to fight this urge and hold out until the stop at maccas before catching the first train home, but I either had to break the seal or risk peeing my pants while standing around trying to not dance.

I had seen a girl pee her pants on the dance floor.  It was not pretty.  It was however funny, and funnier still the two trashy girls who slipped and landed in it thinking it was just beer or some other drink on the floor just got up and kept dancing in their pee stained clothes.

This led to my 2 rules for while out at a club:
1. Always Pee when you need to
2. Be aware of ALL damp clothing - its not always alcohol

So off i stumbled to the toilets, and stumble i did because vodka has teh ability to stop my legs from feeling the ground.

The only toilet that was free was pretty gross, but then all the toilets were rather gross.  I noticed the toilet set was up as i turned around and locked the door.  I pull down my pants and bend over to sit down, because lets face it .. if i squated in my state i would pee all down my legs and into my shoes.  Just as i reach where i thought the seat should be i remembered the seat was up and panic.

The events of what happend go something like this:
1. Panic
2. React a little too quickly to stand
3. Slip
4. Lean too far forward
5. Hit my head on the toilet roll dispenser
6. Knock myself out
7. Fall backwards
8. Bare bottom goes into the toilet

I wake sometime later ... 5 seconds, 5 minutes ... 50 minutes ... I really dont know, all I know was I was stuck.

I didnt have the strength or the co-ordination to get myself out.  What was worse .. I really needed to pee still.
I also had one whopper of an egg on my head.

I start to feel sad for myself until i hear my name being called.  Thankgod, my friends had noticed that I was missing. I call back out directing my friend T to my stall.  She pokes her head under and gets the giggles.  We decide the logical thing would be for her to crawl under and then pull me out.

There she lay wedged under the door, somehow she too got stuck.  Im not so sure she got stuck, or more that she was so drunk she couldnt make it any further than halfway.  The floor was not a nice place for her to lie ... but then .. neither was the toilet my bare and now rather bruised ass was stuck.

Thankfully someone who was not so drunk and obviously not a moron managed to jimmy the lock from the outside and the door swung open hitting T in the back of the head. 
The crowd cheered (yes a crowd had now formed) .. I cheered, legs akimbo - tush in the toilet and dare a I now mention, my undies around my ankles.  My new found hero steped over T and grabed my hands pulling me free from the toilet.
I was free .. the sensible thing would have been to pee and go find a cab to take me home so I could ice my behind ... But I didnt ... it was $1 vodka night and I still had money in my pocket!

Ick on the dance floor

I go to India in 26 days … eeek!

There are many reasons why me travelling to India is kinda funny … this is one of them.

I hate to dance.  I hate the crowded dance floors and the loud crappy music and the morons bumping into you every 2 minutes and the constant spilling of drinks.  People if you are dancing then dance .. if you are drinking then drink, clearly you are not able to co-ordinate yourself to do both at once!

One particular night I was being forced to dance at the elephant and wheelbarrow.  It was either put up with it and dance, or stand by myself somewhere else in the pub and be a bored looser, which is normally what I do.  However this time I was on the dance floor moving in a way that somehow resembled dancing.  It was hot and sticky and I was starting to get fed up of being there.  I stop dancing and look for the best break in the pack of bobbing morons to escape through when I feel someone or something stand very close behind me.  Before I could move away I feel a wet slimy thing glide along the length of my neck.

I freak and my cat like reflexes kick in and I jump around to see what it is and freeze in horror.

It is an Indian guy.  Hair slick with gel, shirt half open and not to be racist but stinking of curry mixed with sweat.

My still stature and the fact that I didn’t scream encouraged the guy to lean in and say *hey hot mama*

I look to my so called friend for help and see her doubled over in laughter.

I look back at the guy now surrounded by his friends and just glare as I wipe my neck

Fire must have been burning in my eyes because without having to open my mouth to let loose such profanity it would make any fine upholding person blush he began to creep away .. I guess looking for his next victim.

Gone are the days when a guy hits on you asking what your star sign is … gone are the days where you get the look up and down with a *how you doin* … no … the Indian boys at the Elephant and Wheelbarrow go around licking girls necks and hoping for a positive reaction.

The day my superhero status was defined

Once upon a time there was an Aussie, a Kiwi and a Swede and they all walked into a bar ... no wait, that's the start of a bad joke.
Lets start again.
Once upon a time there was an awesome Aussie girl names Pinko who became friends with  a Kiwi (El Crumbo) and a Swede (the person variety not the vegetable kind).  They did lots of fun things together like watch Finding Nemo, introducing me to salted candy and hanging out chatting (not stalking) as El Crumbo worked in the most dodgy of phone stores.
One day after I had come home from a trip to the movies and was settling in for a Sunday evening of pizza eating and tv watching I get an SOS message from El Crumbo.  It came in the form of a msn message although she could have set off the bat symbol in the sky ... anything is possible and nothing is ruled out.
Some mofo tag team had stolen her wallet as she was working and not only run away with her money but also her bus ticket and her prized photo of the Swede and her favorite little green wallet.


Mofo

El Crumbo was very very sad

Her favorite Swede turned up to try and make her happy

But she was still sad, and still stranded at Southland without her wallet, without her money and without a ride home ....
or so she thought

Pinko had jumped into her beast of a car named E and was chugging her way to Southland.  When a superhero hears their call ... they dont dilly dally around.
I parked E safely and rushed with lightening speed through Southland.  

But that's when heroness stood its toughest test.  
In between the two levels of escalators stood a barrier.

I had to get down there.  I had to go down the escalator to the bottom floor or otherwise my rescue would be a fail. Without thinking it through i leaped over the barrier in a single bound ...

and ran on down to see El Crumbo and the Swede ... they were beyond happy

well ... ok, maybe it more looked like this

With one foot on the going up escalator and one foot on the going down and my goodie parts resting on the barrier it felt like imminent death ... or a nasty rogering.


But I survived ... and E and I drove El Crumbo and the Swede home where she cooked a yummy dinner for her hero who risked her jibblets in jumping over barriers to save her and her Swede.
I shall now forever be - Pinko Bo Binko. Superhero.